The Highway.com

For all that we claim to be so much better than generations past, to be socially evolved, we really haven’t changed. I am absolutely amazed at how militant many people become over abortion, for example, yet refuse discuss the longest unresolved issue in human history. For all our bold claims of being “hip” and liberated, like every other generation we are a society that refuses to admit we have sex.

Let’s Talk About Sex

(May7,2003)

I am not talking about the bantering that goes on in idle conversation. I am not talking about the scores of images and texts that speak of a magical mysterious event that is supposed to make us see skyrockets. I am not talking about our obsession over making it the most important thing on God’s mind.

I am talking about the most basic aspect of human interrelationships, the thing that defines us from birth, decides our role within society right down to our name and the clothes we wear. Bottom line . . . people have sex. We always have and we always will. When we are not having sex, we think about it. When we do not think about it, society always makes sure to remind us we should. From the buxom blonde on the billboard, to Meg Ryan faking an orgasm on the big screen, we are bombarded with images which contrast the obsessive, maniacal ranting from a pulpit warning us of “the sins of the flesh.” In one way or another it enters into virtually every aspect of our lives, yet when it comes right down to discussing human sexuality in a frank, open discussion, we would rather get our teeth pulled without Novocain.

We want to hold on to the fantasy, the fairytale, the erotic imagery that seldom plays out in the real world. We want women to be either a virgin or a whore, prissy yet sluttish, ready to be mom one minute, playmate of the month the next. We want men to be a knight in shining armor rescuing the princess from the ivory tower, or the cowboy with his six guns and ten gallon hat. Men are men. Women are women. “No” still means “yes”, and sex is still a big game to us.

As a father of three, I have always held an open line of communication with my children regarding their sexuality. From birth they have been taught to respect their bodies (it is the only one they will ever have) and not to feel shame over its more embarrassing aspects. People fart. People belch. People cough, sneeze, vomit, get zits. Women also get periods, and men sometimes have nocturnal emissions. Women sometimes get yeast infections or a wide variety of other perfectly normal conditions, and men sometimes feel as if they have a monster lurking within their trousers that acts without care of the social situation. Especially at puberty, young men and women get feelings, desires, passions that feel strange and new. Why would I as a responsible parent, a sexual being with experience, deny my children my help? Where would I want my kids to go when they have doubts and fears?

Friends? That would be like the blind leading the blind.

Television? That is just another medium to perpetuate the fantasy.

Books? Dr. Ruth. . . I rest my case.

God?

God, religion, and every higher moral standard we have will go right out the window in the back seat of a car with three words: “I love you.” It has before. It will again, as 38,000,000 abortions, STD’s, unwed teenage mothers, and countless broken hearts will attest.

The responsibility falls clearly on my shoulders, and if I don’t take it, my kids risk of facing the most difficult decisions they will ever make alone. Without me, they are left to face pressures unlike any they will ever experience in their lifetime. Without me they will feel they have nowhere to turn, nobody who truly cares for their welfare, left on their own when it truly counts.

Proper education is the key, and “sex is a sin unless you are married” just doesn’t cut it.

Both my wife and I have taken the time to teach our children since they could talk. They know what a penis and a vagina are. They know what they are for. They know where babies come from. They know their parents have sex. They know how they came to be, and though sometimes embarrassed, they are never ashamed of who they are as sexual beings. But proper education doesn’t end there.

I taught my daughters what goes on in the mind of a typical teenage boy. They know what he will say, how he will say it and why. They know how to avoid getting into a situation they are not ready for, and they can count on me to play the perfect “bad guy” if all else fails. Above all, they know they can come to me first . . . say anything . . . and I will not turn them away.

As a sexual being that was once a teenage boy, I know what we can be like. As a parent I am their first line of defense against sexual ignorance and social pressure. Why would I deny them inside information that could be the difference between “Daddy, he wants to go all the way,” and “Daddy, I’m pregnant?”

My son learns also from my wife’s vast experience as a sexual being. He knows enough not to treat a woman as a conquest. He knows what a woman feels, how she feels, why she feels, and why sometimes it changes during the course of a month. He knows the damage he can do by treating her emotions lightly, the pressure he can bring to bear thinking only of himself. He has learned to see a woman as a person first, who lives under much greater social pressures than he will ever face. From the size of her breasts to the five pounds she thinks she has to lose in her thighs, from the hair that keeps trying to grow under her nose or the unsightly zit that surfaced at the most inopportune moment, he knows that these do not define her.

He knows that every young woman is a person first, and he should never expect her to compromise her self respect. He knows what it would feel like to be left alone, heartbroken and frightened, carrying a child when a child himself. He also knows the joy of caring for a life from birth to maturity . . . and is not afraid of the responsibility. Talking to his mother, he wants to be a good father, and he knows he has to be a good man first.

And yes. . . all my children know about birth control.

Like it or not, as a parent I have to realize that my children will have sex one day, and there is nothing I can do to pick the time I feel they are ready. I will not be there every single moment of their life, and at some point they will make the decision as it should be . . . without me. It may be the wrong decision, but it will not be one made lightly. Birth control is out there. They can get it with or without me. They need to know what it can and can’t do. Why would I trust a stranger to educate them there?

Teaching my children about birth control is not telling them it is okay to have sex. When I think of the planning involved in “safe sex” and compare it to a moment of heated passion, to not have sex unless adequately prepared teaches them to think, no more no less. In one thought they remember “sex makes babies.” In a trip to the store or doctors office they realize that there is much more to this than what the fantasy leads us to believe. Are they ready to face children? Do they want to have to consider an abortion? Can they give a child up for adoption? Are they sure they can trust their partner feels the same as they do? These are cold hard realities any sexual being must face. Why would I deny my children the questions, the resources they need to make a real decision? Or am I to let my fears deny them the tools they need to mature?

In my humble opinion, I can’t expect my children to make the right decision, if I have not given them all that they need to know to make an educated decision. The last thing I want for my children is to face a decision that was made for them, because I dropped the ball. I would never want any of my children to ever have to face an abortion, and I know that “you can’t abort what isn’t there.” While relying on God, or any other moral value system might make me a little more comfortable, common sense says it doesn’t work. I choose a little embarrassment and discomfort and an education for my kids.

As a parent, it is my job.