The Highway.com

“You are just looking for an excuse to do what you want,” the self-proclaimed evangelist chides, having failed to convince me of the errors of my ways. My refusal to accept his narrow bigotry determines that I am selfish, irresponsible, shortsighted, and lost, looking for excuses to hide behind. It does not matter to him that I believe in God, do my best to live as Christ taught. I have not “accepted Jesus into my heart as my personal LORD and Savior.” I have not become “Born Again.” I have not joined his church. I don’t look like what he thinks a Christian should look like or parrot all the catch phrases he learned. I don’t respond “I am blessed” when asked how I feel, and I dare to read scripture beyond the verses he proselytized.

My worst crime of all . . . I refuse to play God, ridicule the sinner, and “hate the sin!”

What I Want

(August 23, 2004)

Whenever I hear evangelists equating desire to evil, I often wonder what they really want. Do they really want to be Christian? Do they want to serve God, or do they really want to sin? Do they silently hate themselves for what they really want, what they had to give up? Do they really want to be good, or relive the life they left behind? Do they yearn to go back? Do they really feel empty, unfulfilled, lost, miserable, and alone? Do they become jealous of a world they have been forced to shun only to see evil everywhere? Do they profess hating the sin, because it is their one true love?

Have they considered that what they really want, may not be what I want?

I am a normal human being, and there are a lot of things I want to do. I want to be with my wife of 23 years. I want to love, honor and cherish her. I want to be faithful to her. I want to grow old with her. I never want her to feel lonely. When she is happy I want to share in her joy. When she is sad, I want to comfort her. When she is sick I want to take care of her. When she is bored, I want to throw some excitement her way. I only want to make her happy, feel loved, and proud to call me her husband.

I want to be a good father to our children. I want to love them, provide for them, and keep them safe. I want to see that they get the best possible education so they have the tools necessary to afford them a real choice in life. I want them to learn right from wrong so they can make mature responsible decisions with their choices. I want them to learn the importance of following our nation’s laws and the proper way to speak up when our legal system fails. I want them to learn the value of hard work and dedication. I want them to respect others and, most importantly, themselves. I only want to see my children grow into happy, fulfilled, and productive members of our society.

I also want to do what is right. I want to be known as a good loyal employee. I want to be a law-abiding citizen. I want to keep my head clear, my mind focused, and my heart where it belongs. I want to touch people I meet in a positive way, no matter how insignificant my actions might seem. I want to live peacefully with all my neighbors and show kindness to strangers. I want to look for the best in people, not the worst, and I freely offer love and respect to any I meet. I want to help when I can. I only want to see a good, gentle, man staring back at me from the mirror every morning, the only way I know how to truly thank God for the gift of life.

“Of course, I am doing what I want, and you have a problem with it?”

I am living my life as I see fit, in a manner I believe would be pleasing to God. I may not always live up to my expectations for myself, but I am human after all. A beautiful woman will typically turn my head. She is hard not to notice, but that is as far as it goes. I smile, silently appreciate her beauty, and as she moves on so do I. I know what I want, and it is not there.

I may see something I really want, be it lost or sitting on a self of a store. I stop, consider having it, maybe even pick it up and examine it. I think of how much I like it and what it could do for me, but I know what I really want. If the item is lost, I know it should be turned in; if it belongs to the store and I don’t have the money to buy it, it gets put back on the shelf. It never enters my mind to simply pocket it, because nobody would know. I would know, and that is enough. If I work hard, make a few sacrifices, and save my money, I can always come back. If it is not there or costs too much, I can always move on. I own possessions; they do not own me.

I like to have fun. I like to laugh. I like to relax. I like to enjoy what life has to offer, yet I know not to let my recreations rule me. I really have no desire to drink or do drugs. While sometimes it would be nice to forget the tedium of daily life, I prefer clearly remembering the good time I had. I don’t want my senses dulled under the guise of them being enhanced, and I want to reminisce about the good time I had while driving home instead of sweating how I am going to get there without wrapping my car around a tree. I don’t want to become stupid with whatever I may do for pleasure and lose sight of what I really want. Guilt is never fun, neither is regret, and I want no part of either.

Most of the time, I am doing what I want, I don’t regret it, nor do I need an excuse. When I fail, I temper my guilt with responsibility, resolve to do better, and move forward. I never look grudgingly on my faith, nor see it in opposition to my desire. Maybe those who freely interchange desire and evil need to examine their excuses, instead of manufacturing them for everyone else. Maybe those who have been made to feel that choosing Jesus is the opposite of “doing what you want,” need to understand the difference between making a choice and suffering an obligation. Or maybe they just need to chuck the sales pitch, because frankly I’m not buying.

“I already have what I want."